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I haven't really heard many people say very much about how our country has changed significantly this past week when we became a socialist country after the government bank take-over. So many of us who think too much perhaps about doomsday scenarios still are shocked that the take-over happened under Republican rule and we fear McCain's proposal to socialize people's property and Obama's socialized medicine proposal(where one might die waiting for approval for even a simple surgery, like they do in England as well as forcing healthcare workers to take significant salary cuts).

However, the religiously intelligent know there's truly little difference between the Democrats and the Republicans when The New World Order comes in question. Welcome to the new America(that's exactly what they will call it soon enough a precursor to the terms the New World before they add the suffix Order).

Welcome to socialism(because that's exactly what it is when the government owns 80% of the homes). We simply are not the same nation we were two weeks ago even....and our government is even using taxpayers' dollars to enter us into this socialism/nationalism. Next we'll see a one world currency, mandatory computer-chip implants for our children for safety and for adults to use instead of credit cards, and they'll not only take away our guns, but most significantly they'll take away any ability to buy ammunition(that's the key to gun control--ban ammunition sales and it won't matter if the Jesus camps(who should know better) give out guns now). School shootings will justify gun control in the minds of the sleeping naive.

I really didn't want to vote Republican this round primarily because I truly do believe the only good Bush has done for our country all of these years is kept us safe after 911. I fear what his Patriot act will do to Christians when we're labeled "terrorists." I think it's far, far past time for Bush's war in Iraq to end and every soldier's mother to get her son home before she never gets him back alive. I really like Hilary Clinton(she's experienced, smart, and her husband has that demonic charisma Hitler had which has bound to rub off some on her) and mourned her loss of the nomination. I hated to see the sexism she faced while campaigning, far more than the racism Obama faced. What does that say about our country in itself? Are we more sexist than racist? Isn't it about time that we are neither?

I fell in love with Sarah Palin after her convention speech with the rest of the world even if she's so anti-abortion that she chose to give birth to a baby afflicted with Down's Syndrome( I cried when she said if you have a child with special needs, you'll have an advocate in the Whitehouse in her) and she has a teenage daughter who's pregnant(spelling out her no sex education in the school stand practically) , family woes that seem so Republican text book picture perfect that you have to wonder if they are merely part of her campaign publicity stunts. However, you can't say she's a hypocrite! She walks what she talks. Obviously....

Obviously, McCain chose her to pull on the heartstrings of America and to win over Clinton's supporters. I don't think Palin is really winning over the feminist right Clinton ruled. Women aren't that asleep, but I do think Palin has become quite the shining celebrity star in her own right. I feel sorry for Clinton, noting that she did so much of the hard work to pave the way for the first female elected into the Whitehouse and it's looking like someone else may be reaping the benefits of her hard work instead.

I'm not going to say a lot about Obama's "did he or didn't he slip up" regarding his faith the other night, where the interviewer "reminded" him he was a Christian, when Obama said: "my muslim faith...." I do think he was saying that McCain had not spoke about his rumoured "muslim faith" and the word "muslim" should've been in quotations. I think Obama was trying to say that many people have said he wasn't Christian, but McCain hadn't. However, if he would just say honestly that he was raised muslim, but now he's a Christian, a lot of people would be a whole lot better with placing a president in the Whitehouse that is a Christian convert, during a war with the middle east.

It's fact he was raised as a muslim. Why does he try so hard not to talk about that? That's what makes people un-sure of his loyalty to America. Should a nominee have to state his/her faith under the separation of state/faith rule, no, of course not, but it is a personal question every voter considers, regardless of faith. I know satanists who fear Palin because of her spiritual warfare rituals and their belief that Mccain will be assassinated to make room for her rule because of her popularity.

I voted for Bush because he was a Christian and his opponent attacked his Christianity specifically in speaking about war ethics(ie, "God told me to go to war"). That's not as much insanity as it is spirituality if sanity over-rides. If I have to choose between a president who was raised as a muslim(while a war with the middle east is going on) or a Pentecostal president, I choose the latter anyday because the latter is closer to my spirituality. Period.

We went to the Nashville Greek festival this past weekend and it was a blast. The church and its art were breath-taking. They had a real life white LLama(such a beautiful heavenly creature)in the petting zoo. In fact, all of the animals in the petting zoo were the fanciest of their kind and were in the same bend together, ie, the llama hung out with the duck and the pig, etc. It was like something out of _Charlott's Web_ or _Animal farm_. Christian had his first pony ride! The food was great. The belly-dance wear was quite gothic actually and the best part were the animal magic masks the kids wore. Every time a masked child looked at me I thought I was living something out of _the Wickerman_ or was viewing some sort of pagan winterfest). "L" I'll post pics. soon. Of course, I became obsessed with the notion of getting Christian some of those creepy masks and doing a full photo session of him in creepy animal masks in the name of art.

Movie recs: _the Orphanage_ is haunting if you choose the reality ending where the mother kills her son because he found out he was adopted and blocked everything out reverting back to Never-neverland. It's a great depiction of a mother with the Peter Pan syndrome, not wanting to grow-up, wanting her child to be her playmate, of course it was her adopted child because the audience wasn't supposed to see the mother in any way as an adult, not even as a married woman who sleeps with her husband in "that way." With that notion understood, the adoption angle didn't bother me so much, even though my number one pet peeve is the thought of an adoptive mother killing her adopted child, but this film made that nightmarish thought work becaue of the Peter pan symbolism, so all is forgiven by me.

_Oldboy_: haunting in a bad way like the incest scene in _an American Haunting_ haunts you with distaste, but the questions asked and answered in the film make the journey so worth it. Is is more sinful to speak about a sin than to commit it? Is it better to know the truth even if it's horrible just to be able to avoid the consequences of not knowing? or is sleeping blissful?

_Gone Baby Gone_: Great film, predictable,yet you really scream for it to not be, and heart-wrenching especially for me since I have my son because of the neglect of his birth-mother, the key theme exposed in the film. Amy Ryan deserved her Oscar nomination for her role. It's one of those films made for the conversations had afterwards. Do you believe every child belongs with his/her birth-mother no-matter what? This film makes you answer.

Nostalgia: Yes, I bought the New Kids on the Block's new Cds. Don't judge me. it's about feeling young again. I can't wait to see them in Nov., with a group of childhood friends! They were great on _the View_ and _the Today Show_ again.

I watched _Raising the Bar_ just to see Mark- Paul G. again. He looks great. Grrr... Men get better looking with age, while women......

I watched the new _90210_ and almost cried when they finally showed Shannon Doherty(not playing the theme music until they showed her 10 minutes into the show was a nice touch). see above what I said about women looking old....Grrrr....----Jennie Garth looks good though and the girl from NIp/Tuck that's so odd looking still is weird looking, but not as much. I mean odd looking works for weird Nip/Tuck, but 90210 ? We'll see. The new brenda is adorable beyond words though. I love it when she squints and closes her eyes every time she gets excited. I could eat her up!

Britney Spears looked great on the VMAs, even if she didn't perform. I noticed not every one was willing to stand-up and give her a standing ovation, even when being urged to do so. I think people need to forgive other people more. That girl is human and she's sick and she deserves support. Being nominated by the illuminati to be one of their icons has its consequences. Give the mother a break.

Update on us: we're getting Christian officially evaluated/diagnosed for autism soon. He's reading out loud before talking out loud(an ability stemming from dis-abilities called hyperlexia). He can spell small words out with his blocks and he's better with puzzles than I am. He's great at matching pattern card games. He seems to memorize everything. He's my little super-hero. I'm beginning to learn that autism is really amazing, as much as it is heart wrenching. The experts say he can recite his abcs, count numbers(and he is doing both as they float by on the tv screen), but he may not *Ever* call me: "Mama." And, for me, as his mother who also happens to be his adoptive mother, hearing that he knows *I* am his mother is what I'm so desperately waiting to hear. Maybe, I'll have to come to terms with my priorities vs. my insecurities. Here's to getting my little miracle itty-bitty into the thing called recovery that all the autism experts talk about. Prayers requested and accepted. thank you all.....---------------deidre
Current Mood:
artistic artistic
Current Music:
NKOtB: the Block
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Happy Mother's Day to all!!!! I'll be posting my Mommy's Day pics. after tonight and sending out belated cards----busy-busy-busy. I know everybody understands!

Thanks to everyone who sent us Happy Mother's day wishes! I know some of the best mommies in the world!

I started out this day finding my old Tiffany CD just laying upon the computer room's floor.---very odd, since I haven't listened to this Cd in 13 + years and can't recall the last ime I've even seen it. So, I played it. Her first Cd. Brought me back to my childhood again, along with making plans with my childhood friends to see the New Kids on the Block this summer again. I have no shame about going. We're going to be little girls once again and I can't wait!!!!!

Then I find out that the Birthday Massacre did a cover of Tiffany's remake of "I Think We're Alone now". the second time I've heard that song today, after not hearing it for a decade or so. Wow, a gothic band I adore did that song and almost just like Tiffany did!!!! Wow. Today's a Tiffany day, I suppose. I'm all innocent again. A much needed release. I added the song to my profile here. Neat indeed!!!!

Okay, I'm off to celebrate Mommy's most special day with my itty-bitty and my wonderful husband----off to see my mom and his mom and his grandmother.---Busy, beautiful day of love and peace for me. I pray for the same for all today.

Yesterday, while passing the graveyard I saw a woman my age barely capable of walking through the graveyard, carrying flowers and grasping hold of the tombstones for support. I thought to myself that she seemed to need spiritual , emotional support in her journey. Maybe she's facing her first Mother's Day without her mother on this earth or maybe year after year it never gets easier. I felt for her more than words can express. I prayed for her. I called my mom and told her this story and how I was glad that I had her in every way still here with me on this earth even if she does think the Velveteen Rabbit was my brother's and not mine and that my brother had the spiderman punching bag and not me. So, what if he's her only memory and I've been somewhat forgotten and not chosen by her. Christian reads that rabbit story and has that punching bag. He'll remember me. I haven't a reason to complain.

After feeling what I felt passing the graveyard yesterday as I did, I found this page today while searching for Mother's day pic. ideas on flickr, as I do for all holidays(it really puts what our mothers mean to us in perspective, whether we've lost our mothers in this realm as of yet or not--I couldn't say it better, ever, really than this person has and although I've never heard the Celine Dion song, I'll never forget it forevermore----so take a look at the link and be thankful for the time we have----Goodbye is never said-----There is a post office in heaven and Mother's day cards are sent every year, it's called speaking, praying, Mom's always hear their children. That's the main part of the job. So, don't be afraid to let your voice be heard, no-matter how far away mom is from you today, tell her how you feel. And know she will hear you. My mom heard me.):


Current Mood:
Current Music:
the Birthday Massacre: "I Think We're alone Now"
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What am I, 12 years old again?

I've been taken back to my innocence today and on Hitler's b-day too. "L" it's like being given a breath of fresh air again after being suffocated by stuffy, fluffy new age " be-witch-demon" occultic icons for all of my latter years.....

I woke up early this morning, around 3:45AM and just couldn't get back to sleep. I finally got up and did a little writing for my new novel and then set out to search the net until boredom led me back to slumber. The first thing I see on-line is a news story about Debbie Gibson's latest stalker(and we all know there is no fan crazier than a current DB fan, no joking within the inside joke here), which led me to her un-official web-site's discussion forum.

You know, it's pretty damn bad when your own fan-site sides with the so called stalker over you. "L" The entire community there actually vouches for the guy she's taken a restraining order out against, stating that he is well known in the DB fan community as well as being well known to her(as evidenced by many, many pics. of the two of them together posted within the fan communities) and is all together harmless, really. The guy actually runs her overseas fan-club and has for quite some time. It seems all he did was knock upon her hotel room door(after a concert she gave that he attended) asking for more autographs for his over-seas fan-club. Whoah, I guess we should all string him up for that one. I mean, it's not like she's still at the Britney Spears uber-celebrity level, I can see how someone could think it might just be okay just to knock on her door.

She does claim he showed up also at her house though, yet that hasn't been con-firmed. She didn't answer the door to her hotel room and called the police. He slid a note under the door, saying they'd meet in TX again during one of her up-coming shows(of which he already has tickets). She apparently called that note a "threat." Then, she explained her concern using Rebecca Schaeffer's stalker/killer, Robert John Bardo, who also had her on his "hit-list", as the logical explanation for her security scare. I remember when he killed the _My Sister Sam_ star, saying he was mad at her for losing her innocence by filming a steamy scene in some flick about well....losing your innocence.... She was very pretty and I remember being very sad then. Guess, it's a good thing for Deb that he was imprisoned way before she did Playboy, if loss of innocence is his pet-peeve. "L"

Anway, I just about spit my coffee all over my computer when I read in the forum her fans saying: "Oh, dear, here she goes again, getting paranoid again, thinking someone is out to get her again." "L" I laughed so hard because to all of the DB fans in the know, we remember when she locked herself in a room, refusing to come out to perform, stating that people were out to get her." That was her nervous breakdown of the 90's. Maybe, she's sick of hearing about Britney Spears' meltdowns and decided she'd get back in on the meltdown publicity. Remember she "warned" Brit. The iconic illuminati brain-programming warned us all....."L"

Anyway, it gave me the laugh I needed to begin my day!

After my amusement on the DB fan-site, comcast sends out the latest New Kids on the Block news: their leaked new song and the Today Show interview. I thought "Why not this time?", as I clicked on the link. Of course, I had heard all about their re-union and new tour. I hadn't clicked on the new pic. of the re-united band until today. I do have to say they do look good. Why is it that men only get better and better looking with age and women get ....the opposite? The new song is boring, but I was impressed and amused that they actually rapped in some of it, just like old times. I think people my age are supposed to take our kids to their concerts now and I don't know.....maybe I will. Christian does love the Shushybyes. NKOtB wouldn't be too different really....well minus the puppet/plush costumes...."L"

My first tape I listened to over and over again was Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ album. It still makes me feel at peace. My first album bought by me for me was Debbie Gibson's _Out of the Blue_. My second album bought was the new Kid's first album. Then Tiffany's first. After that, I bought everything by DG, NKOtB, and Tiffany. Those were the "bands" of my generation; "our Beatles", as it's been over-said. My first concert was of course a NKOtB one. I saw them all 3 years they toured. I even had a New Kid's sleeping bag to use to camp out for tickets. I was 12 years old.

It looks like they might be successful with their comeback tour, given the hype from mainstream pre-middle age women that's already generating post comeback news. Everyone's talking about their tour, which is crazy, but kinda sweet, really. Good luck to them, really....Now, if they'd just team back up with tiffany(what she was there with them on tour before, why not again)and deborah Gibson, then so many just like me would be so there.....it's not like the gals are doing anything really other than playing for the "gays" and doing Broadway and film flops. It could happen. It should happen.

After already being thrust back into my 12 year old youth by the internet time machine, the television played the full version of Tiffany/Meatloaf's GoPhone commercial. Tif looked good and the full thing that actually showed a lot more of her was really funny. You-tube it up, really, it's worth a few laughs. I think I'm in 1986 overload now.....

I'm still editing b-day pics. and my myspace friend's album. Thanks to everyone who came out for the party. It was a nice, nice time and Christian had a blast! I don't know what was so wrong with my emotions before the party. Everything was perfect that night, good times, good friends, good family time.

Jeff's big promotion to lab manager, one step under the CEO of the company has him so happy and proud to be part of the business world. The money is better now, but still not what he made in nursing. However, since we both want new careers outside of the healthcare field, business management will lead him to bigger and bigger things in the corporate world. I'm proud of him. He has a lot of responsibility now, much different than in nursing. I love being a stay at home mom, but I will be glad to go back to school soon. I'm sure I'll return to nursing for a while, as I go to school and as I write. I really want to get into the chemical dependancy counseling realm for nurses. That is counseling nurses with chemical dependancy problems, using my past mistakes as a way to help others who are in the same shape. We are the generation of re-hab., where our mothers had therapists, we all go to drug re-hab., it seems. The next generation has rehab and life coaches. Anyway, I think I'll add to my courses and complete my psych. degree. it wouldn't take me that much longer, seeing that I already have so much of the coarses required. That's my game-plan. CD counseling and writing about the such along with my fictional works. I want to make my son proud of me.

We don't think Christian has autism anymore, at least not on most days, but we know he's about a year behind his age in speech and maturity. Christian is singing now(mostly Shushybye and Barney songs, all alien-baby language), stacking blocks, dust bunnies, books, in doorway tracks, buckets,on the cat condo, etc. He spins everything he can constantly and has quite amazing coordination for spinning cups, tops, plates, etc. His full body rocking to music, or in his stroller in public has pretty much decreased all together.

He's frightened still of Easter like candy(anything that looks real or stuffed, has eyes, etc.). He thought mommy was killing th Easter peeps and it took me 3 days to prove to him that the chocolate Easter bunny wasn't real, before he'd agree to eat him. Then, mommy had to kill him first and we had to pretend the chocolate pieces came from somewhere else. However, Easter went perfectly for the family, Easter egg hunt and all.

Christian refused to wear his Barney birthday hat(as I predicted, since he's now afraid of everything hat), but I did manage to sneak in a few b-day hat pics. of him, while he was Shushybye di-stracted. He's back to not being so frightened of the park swings and slides, though bath-time scares him now. Some progression, some regression, and we're still waiting for him to start speaking real words again. It's been a year now since I've heard, "Mama." He's being a little bit more affectionate, but still seems to be easily annoyed by touch. However, he thinks he has to have a book or a photo album to be able to sit in mommy's lap, so we pretty much keep him holding one as often as we can, which means he's learning that he likes it when mommy holds him.

His obsessive-compulsiveness is getting less in some ways, growing in some. He must have perfect stacks of blocks or dust bunnies in perfect alignment in a doorway track and throws a huge tantrum if anything falls out of his perfect stacking alignment. He's pretty much grown out of in-appropriate bonding to objects, but still keeps to strict daily routines. He loves to ride his tiny new bike(with training wheels)along the side-walk next to the grass, which is next to the street. He races the cars going by. He can now push cars appropriately and not just turn them over and spin the wheels. I think the bicycle racing pretend play with the street cars is helping him understand what a car can do.

He no longer thinks men are Halloween monsters and no-longer insists that every woman in the room other than me hold him, when visiting family/friends. He's not forcing kisses/hugs upon other children and babies as much now either. We try to up his social interaction times and of course we do intense speech therapy daily. He watches cartoons now without fussing, but still takes to anything with music in it more, even t.v. commercials most of all. He adores any live performance. American Idol is his must see in the adult mainstream world. He's going to be mommy's little musician, I just know it and I love him for it.........I love him for it all.....

Current Mood:
amused amused
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2nd birthday boy before party



Today is our itty-bitty's 2nd birthday! At exactly 9:40 PM tonight (the exact time of his birth we've always known that is now included on his birth-certificate naming us as his parents as if I had given birth to him in every way), I'll have my private moment with and pic. taken of he and I together, the mother and son that we are, that we have always been, that we always will be....

Christian was born from me, from inside of my heart, from within my prayers to God for my child. When he was being born 2 years ago, I was praying, sick over a toilet in the hosp. where he was being born, asking God why Van keeps getting children he can't take care of when I keep getting denied my child. God sent down his mercy and his grace upon me that day, as MY SON was being born. I just didn't know about it until 3 days later.--an appropiate Christian allegory, I guess "L".... One phone call and I'm a mother in one day! That's our story.

God works in mysterious ways, yes, and no, we don't always understand why. I've been accused of spending years chasing after a man who'd never truly be mine. I can't meet the same accusations about chasing after a child now too. Sometimes, I feel as if I have to seek to prove to the world that he's my child. Sometimes, I just want something/someone to truly be my own and for everyone to simply know it. However, what everyone knows really isn't what's importnant, for the ignorant never will know any truth. God is truly my own. That's certain. It's still up to me to define from my heart and soul who my son is to me and I've never thought for one tiny second that he wasn't truly mine. And, I never will!!! That's all that really matters anyway.---not letting the world take him away from me. I'm always up for that fight. It keeps me alive.---All of the time, feeling alive.

We're off to Chuck e Cheese tonight for his Barney birthday! I thank so very much all of my closest friends who are coming to help support us on our son's most special of days!!!!-----you know who you are.....

Birthdays are hard for us mothers who just so happen to also be adoptive mothers. We have to block out what so many people say to us about our son's birthday simply not being anything that has anything to do with us. True, it's Christian's day first and foremost. However, I do not believe politically that adoption rights only go to the biological mother like most of society does, as much as they believe their chosen religious beliefs.

We did invite Christian's birth-mother again to the party tonight. That's doing the right thing for our son's sake. Yet, it is up to me to set the tone for my motherhood. It's up to me to define who I am to my son. I don't throw anything in her face, but I'm not going to tip-toe around who I am naturally for her sake either. I have so many emotions running their course through me when it comes to Tammy. Every day Christian looks more like her, and i can't help but to wonder what that means for me, about me, I question what everything means now, even the simple-complicated words; "I'm adopted." what is everything going to mean to my son someday?

I always take offense when someone says I've adopted my nephew. No, people I've adopted my son. I'm proud I share DNA with my son, just as any mother is, but he is nothing less than my child.

There are good days when I think it would be beautiful to buy Tammy that birth-mother pendant with all 3 of our birthstones tied together in it--1 mother-1 child-1 birth-mother. Then, there are days we wish she'd simply go away. Yet, when she does we get angry at her for feeling so very little for our son, playing his advocate even beyond our own feelings. This is so hard. I didn't get to be Jennifer Gardner in _Juno_ and speak to my son while he grew in her tummy. Sometimes, I wonder if he still remembers only her voice from when he was in her womb.

Then, I watch films like _Gone Baby Gone_(where the film moral questions whether a child should be returned to a neglectful biological mother no-matter what) and _Martian Child_ (where the adoptive father tells his son that he can't be an intelligent being b/c he didn't come from intelligent beings, that his biological parents were stupid beings for giving him away, so he must just be a normal boy) and I realize that the fact still is over all else she simply is not capable of being a full-time mother. Period. So, what is that supposed to make me, his part-time one even though I'm doing the 24-7? I'm not renting a child. I'm not her free baby-sitter. She has boundaries she must not step out of, otherwise we'll ask her to leave. At least, she's calling him Christian now. Just because we choose to include her today (and believe me the choice is ours alone), it doesn't mean what we have isn't real. Our family is real. It is what it is. We are who we are. And it is enough. And we are enough.

Well, no-matter how much hurt comes with this day, I have my closest friends & family coming out to help me through it all. I'm so much more than grateful for that.....

Today is the boy's day!!!! Even though it's hard not to let him see how today makes me feel, he'll never see my tears. He'll never know about the nightmares, the guilt that's felt in vain, for I know 100% that we give Tammy far more credit and benefits of the doubts than she deserves. However, let the sin be hers, not ours.

Today we celebrate the life God gave us, the life God grew inside my heart & prayers & her body. It makes sense she gets to be part of that. It makes sense that we all get to be present for that. Most of all, my little boy, for it is all about him, all for him indeed. Indeed.

Current Mood:
Current Music:
the Cure
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Yay! My favorite mind puzzle, the multi-layered LOST is coming back tonight after a 9 month wait! I've been all about my LOST forums lately, watching the new mobisodes and anxiously awaiting the LOST game and new season! We watched the subtitled/enhanced re-showing of last season's fantastic finale last night in 100% total excitement for the big new season premiere tonight! Of course, the easter eggs revealed were obvious and old news to us fans of the show, but it was nice to read the sub-titles anyway. They can never go wrong with _Alice in Wonderland_ and _the Wizard of Oz_ references in one episode, could've they? The re-cap show is 7 tonight followed by the new season, so if you've never seen the show before, invest your intellectual mind tripping time wisely and check it out. You can get back episode re-caps on you-tube and the producers will get you all caught up by the premiere if you watch the re-cap episode beforehand. Believe me, it's far worth it. The show is better than drugs. Way better.

LOST is buddhist in origin, so it's about re-incarnation, what buddhist piece of work isn't? However, in LOST the characters haven't been able to successfully let go of their memories of their past cycle of life. They remember who they last were, possibly who they once were, for the number of cycles completed per character is un-known. Buddhists believe re-incarnation like anything really brings experience to the experienced cycler, ie., think the nursing home cat who could predict death, think the film _Final Destination_, the more you have been re-incarnated, the easier you can recognize and predict death before it happens. _The Eye_ film franchise works on this moral too. LOST's main moral is the old science vs. faith argument, are you a personality whose choices are based upon belief(religious faith,belief of destiny or fate) or by reason(scientific "fact" or commons sense)? Last season's finale we saw Charlie choose to die when he could've chosen to escape death just because he believed that he was meant to die., ie., he choose belief over practical reason, for he could've sought to fight death over flighting into death, but he didn't want to find out what would happen if he didn't die if he was supposed to die. There is something worse than death if you don't stay on schedule.

And, LOST is clever and funny, really, really clever and really, really funny. There are levels of subliminal symbolism for all to work. It's like playing a video-game. The show uses mind game cliffhangers to suck the viewers right in. This season we're to find out why Jack thinks they weren't supposed to leave the island(for we know from the surprise/big reveal flash-forward finale cliff-hanger that he and Kate did)and why he's so desperate to get back to the island. The View today spoiled us with the news that this season we're going to see them find another plane mirroring their plane in the ocean, probably with their dead bodies in it. I love the idea! I can't wait to see that episode and the looks upon their faces. Funny how much "There are no survivers of Oceanic flight 815" sounds exactly like "We are the survivers of Oceanic flight 815", when said over and over in time-loop walkie-talkie mode. Great riveting concept.

*****disclaimer to all, if you're still grieving Heath Ledger's death in any way and/or you don't want a glimpse behind the illuminati mind-controlled veil our innocent vibrations usually keep us oblivious to, then DO NOT view these pics. and don't blame me for the visuals if you choose to view******

The illuminati boards have been predicting a celeb. death soonish(literally Britney Spears'(who'd be shocked?) and Amy Winehouse's to be exact), but now the boards are all about Heath Ledger's as the first death of the geometrical picture:

I'd all ready thought about the tarot card significance of Ledger's death ie, 9/11 the towers, 1/22 the joker, the full-moon etc. and had thought about the ironic co-incidence between the meaning of ledger(BANK ACCOUNT) on the day the NY stock market fell again. I also had already completed the numeralogy on his time of death and date of death both = 33 (in several different ways, see links below), but these articles are interesting and once again the pics. are alarming, so BEWARE IF YOU DARE(scroll down past the Wuthering Heights pics):





Interesting huh? I've seen some really freaky(and it takes A LOT to appear really freaky to me)movie-posters from the new Batman film.Ledger really threw himself into that dark role and also into the role for the Terry Gilliam film, of which the above over-the-top freakishly eerie pics came from, a film way occultic in nature. If Ledger wasn't protected enough, possession could've over-taken him easily. I believe demons have their own government here and that possession is the blasphemy of being filled with the holy spirit. I do believe that the illuminati exsist in the spirit world and that they do send their mind controlled slave icons our way. I've seen music videos from Madonna(queen of re-invention, ie., shape-shifting) and Michael Jackson(no explanation needed for his reptilian face is what we all see, right? "L") where their shape-shifting isn't intense enough to be noticed until you notice, then there really isn't any going back to hiding behind the veil. Kind of like that movie in the 80's where they could see the alien's reptilian faces only while wearing special sunglasses (on natural vibrations normal human faces were seen). Seeing behind the spirit's world's veil really isn't a view you really want.This is an instance where I actually don't wish to embrace the intellect hidden and eat from the tree of knowledge.

Perhaps, Britney Spears is the illuminati's failed Madonna re-placement, as the boards so infamously say. I mean she certaintly got it when she idolized Madonna so publically. Maybe, she just didn't pay attention to the part where she was suppose to not only idolize her, but to become her. Perhaps, they(the illuminati) are eagerly trying to knock her off in anger because her mind's splitting way more than it should be. Those other personalities/splits are coming publically out. Maybe that wasn't supposed to be their plan for her just yet. Maybe she's broken free. Just go to TMZ.com and watch her videos, where she's talking in her made-up accents. There's no denying the truth about her mental illness/demonic possession when watching those videos. It also is way odd that her so-called manager(Sam Lufti, who isn't a manager really) just appears out of no-where and begins controlling her recovery. Even her family doesn't know where he came from, yet he's holding her power of attorney for medical decisions??? Illuminati representative perhaps? Who knows? The girl has my prayers though. And, she needs them. Really she does.... so do the family/friends of anyone suffering from severe bi-polar/bi-polarity dis-order...so does Ledger's grieving family.....and they all have the very best of my prayers for tonight.

Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
Current Music:
Angels & Agony, Pride & Fall
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Time for a new update. I will be posting adoption day pics soon (court room pics and and afterwards our new family photoshoot at Centennial park.) For now enjoy the two pics. here (above and below my blogging) from a quiet family playdate at the park:

Those of you who actually know me "in real life" already know David's adoption and new name change to Christian went through without any problems on Dec. 4th. That day in court was surreal. We spent hours watching all of the other adopting families in the waiting area. There were mostly older parents adopting older children most of which appeared to have some sort of dis-ability, ranging from the physical to the mental to the behavioral. If that's a word to describe a dis-ability. That tiny glimpse of reality opened our eyes more into the norms of adoption truth pitfalls. I guess, we were counting our blessings that day to be walking away at our youthful ages with such a prize, a 20 month old "perfect" angel baby that we've had since he was 3 days old. Of course, I'm certain each and every one of those amazing parents we saw that day say the same thing about their children too. And, of course, it's true. Perfection in children is something that can never be measured to an exact science, nor should any of us ever try. Even the dis-abilities of any child are always so few in comparison to their talents. The only difference is the depth of our perception about what we define as a dis-ability and what we define as an extraordinary ability.

Mom came to the adoption, which was nice partly though we could tell she wasn't completely happy at least not enough to offer us congrats. and had to ruin the entire part about her being there being "nice" by asking as we were leaving in her wishful thinking tone: "If your adoption file will be sealed in 30 days, then does that mean that Tammy still has 30 days left to change her mind." Of course, I firmly explained once again to my mother that the time for Christian's birth-mother to change her mind has come and gone over a year ago and even the file that Christian can get when he turns 21(it's 21 in TN, 18 most states)was closed back then. This is just *our* file, completely personal thing all together, but still sealed for his privacy and ours.

Christmas and new year's eve, went perfectly, Christian's second year for both.----just 100% family time = perfection on earth---we all are so blessed! Pics coming soon.....of course.... Our Christmas tree had large Winnie the Pooh lights and on new years,we had on our party hats, really...."S"

We're still anxiously awaiting our son's new birth certificate in the mail(a process that takes months)and I'm afraid when I see it for the first time, I'm going to cry literal tears un-controllably. It was so good to get the final adoption and name change papers in the mail though. My brother actually received his copy first(since his rights were terminated forever that same day and he actually joined us as a petitioner in our petition). I guess, that ends up best for all, but it was kind of alarming to see my mother recieve *our* adoption papers before we did and to know that she has a copy to show Christian any day she chooses to do so, possibly even before we've been able to determine if he's old enough to handle the knowledge and information about his history we're arming him with. We've always said we'll tell him the total truth from the beginning and so far we have, but now after hearing the infamous and many horror stories from other adoptive parents in our adoptive parents' support group and the adoption forums on-line about their kids demanding to stay overnight with their "real mommies", etc. etc., we're now thinking maybe we should make sure we're not confusing him with information he may not be emotionally old enough to handle.

I don't want the light bulb to go off in his head one day about "exactly what "I'm adopted" may or may not actually mean. He has to know what it means way before he knows what it means about him and vice versa. I just want to be there when that light bulb about what it means to him/about him goes off and when "being adopted" is first presented to him in a negative way. We can't just always present it to him in a positive way. That does nothing to prepare him for the day when it's first presented in a bad way and every day like that that will follow him.

Our itty-bitty takes to his new name very well, instantly really, although we still call him David and Davey a whole lot too. I think *we* are the ones confused more than *he* is. My goal in raising him: to always keep it that way.

Christian's still not verbally communicating yet, but he's doing so much better with pointing at things upon command in a book and is doing so much better with changing routines. He's still all about Barney, Winnie the Pooh Bear and loves Play with Me Sesame now too. His favorite Sesame character is now Ernie and he brings me his Ernie TMX doll a thousand times a day to activate. We're reading and reading and reading and I'm still enjoying every second of being able to stay at home and be a full-time 24-7 mommy. I'm so looking forward to the day he says "Mama" again for the first time and really addresses true meaning to my name. He hasn't said "Mama" in sooo many months now. It's still so frustrating seeing other 21 month old kids on you-tube counting from 1-10 and saying their completed abc's. I can't even get my kid to call me "Mama."

We're trying not to blame ourselves or our adoptive parent related insecurities and to concentrate on the positive. We're still getting Christian evaluated at age 2 for aspergers type of autism, as recommended by his doc. It's hard facing that possibility too, especially dealing with all of the adoption issues that already cripple us emotionally every day or two. Our adoptive parent support group helps a lot and it's way nice to know that what we are feeling is exactly what every other parent in our shoes is feeling. Every problem faced between parent and birth-mother mirrors one another. There's unity in our pain and in our fears.

I've been talking to one of my closest and oldest friends lately who happens to be a birth-mother herself and seeing her actually interact with the child she "gave up" for an open adoption a decade ago has affected me deeply, mostly in a scary way and I feel really guilty about that. I know her situation is completely 100% different than mine(Isn't everyone's, yes and no, I suppose), but it hurt so much to watch her birth-child climb up in her lap and to know that he asks to stay overnight with her. It makes me afraid that Christian will want that kind of relationship with Tammy too one day and that makes it so hard on us because Christian's birth-mother doesn't choose to treat her severe mental illness. She's a real danger to him. We've never denied her visits with him at anytime when she's been healthy enough to visit him until the day Tammy found out we had changed his name. She called and threatened me, saying that "One day she promises and guarantees me that he will choose her as his real mother over me, that she will always call him Evan and will tell him who he really is." She went on promising me that "he'll hate me one day and will return to his real family as soon as he turns 18." I always knew one day those words would come and all I could think that day was "Well, today was the day. Today was *that* day."

It's hard not to take easy offense to what people say about our relationship to/with our child. I adored _Silent Hill_ for its positive depiction of an adoptive mother's role as savior to the child vs. the negative role depicted of the child's un-healthy and demonic birth-mother. Brownie points to that film's writers/directors. It's sooo refreshing to see our roles not villified over the natural mother's role. I actually threw things at my t.v. during the animated _Prince of Egypt_. I don't know why Moses and Miriam are the most popular new names for adopted children. It's a story about a child *returning to his natural family* to save them. That's beautiful, and biblical and Jesus was adopted by Joseph and "returned" to his original father too when he resurrected back to heaven, but when I'm being selfish the thought of *the return* of my son to "his people" is my worst nightmare! I'm one of "his people", but I've signed on to be so much more than a natural aunt. During sci-fi's recent _Tin Man_ mini-series, which referred to adoptive parents as "nurturing units", literally depicted as robots, I screamed outloud. OUTLOUD! Grrrrrr....

My brother is back in jail now, as he has been in and out of several times again since my last posting just as he has been hospitalized for alcohol withdrawal. He attacked and beat Tammy(while she is now 6 months pregnant again). My mom actually was the one who called the police on her son because she really thought this time Van would actually kill her. She spent some time in the hosp., but is now okay and the baby is too. At least, for now, until the next time my brother's un-treated mental illness and substance abuse problems clash with her own un-treated mental illness and violence problems. We pray for them all and try to protect Christian as much as possible from their un-healthiness.

It seems today, I'm not in a really intellectual mood. I feel lazy and it feels like I'm mis-spelling everything, so forgive my odd mood. Let's see: what's else to say: We're planning on changing Christian's social security number too, not just the name on his new card, as advised by our adoption advisor. We qualify to do that since our adoption is a closed one. However, if the social security office realizes ours is a relative adoption, they may refuse our request. But, our concern isn't about his birth-family chasing us down one day. I mean, I'm part of that family and everyone of course knows our last name and his new name. Our concern is securing his personal information, especially with the new national security cards coming. We'll just have to stress that Christian has the same right to have his personal information as secured as anyone else and there has already been threats made to us about his birth-mother selling his old identity. If your birth certificate and social security number are suppose to go hand in hand and you get a new birth certificate, you should also get a new social secirity number to go with your new birth certificate. It should be a no-brainer, but those people at that office do tend to give adoptive parents problems changing the number, so we'll see just how aggressive we can be when the time comes. I am all bear when it comes to protecting my cub.

Snoopy has a severe ear infection and he's been left at the vet until Tues. I just got the news and am now just feeling numb and worried. I'm glad I didn't go to see them hold him down on the table, muzzled, as he licked Jeff through his muzzle, after howling in pain, as the vet gave him several different types of antibiotic shots in his ears. We never thought he had a bad infection. We figured he had a small case of earmites. And, now they're keeping him all weekend! Prayers, please?

Films? Let's see: We enjoyed _Mr. Brooks_, not a bad depiction of demonic possession if the viewer has enough discernment and conviction to see it. I thought the scene where his demon actually comforts him physically (his demon gives him a hug--should be a Hallmark card made from hell---Has your demon hugged you today? "L").Having the demon be depicted acting as his friend too, not just the voice that tells him to be a serial killer, was a brilliant touch. I'm sure there are just as many demons acting as imaginary friends as there are fueling rage.

We watched _Strangeland_ last night and I enjoyed so much the concept depicted in the film where the audience is supposed to be naive enough to the fact that full facial/body tattoos can't be removed fully to get the point of the scene where the ex-serial "killer" is trying to re-create his old tattooed image by just putting stage make-up on his face only to give-up the effort. I guess the make-up wasn't enough. It couldn't be, for the tattoos were gone. Then when the town revives the hate in the monster making him realize he was more right to be who he was then, the line about his tattoos returning was just great writing and a great depiction of our knowledge that body art never can be removed, just as hate can never be once it gets on us/inside us, Once it's who we become. Better infamous indie film than we thought it would be.

The film version of _Perfume:the story of a Murderer_ was probably just as blasphemously filled with ant-Christian symbolism as the book. However, the added on final scene in the film really did spell out the Christ allegories a little bit too obviously for my taste.---The film had me at obvious allegory/blasphemy at the re-incarnation of the Christian nativity scene, but whatever.... The film was probably only the second piece of highly symbolism filled work that I actually didn't like. _Sin-City_ was the first. Usually I love to paste together the puzzle pieces of demonic mind games with my discernment in over-drive, but somehow even the intellect hidden in these film just didn't speak to me, even though I saw right through the veils. I guess, sometimes even the most Hawthorne-esque symbolism isn't grabbing enough for me.

Heath Ledger's death is terrible news: I'm going to play old person here and tell you just how I first heard the news as every old person always has to re-call outloud or on page just what they were doing when they heard the tragic news of any big tragedy: I was googling a full-size toddler angel wings search of camera prop web-stores for my latest Baby holiday valentine's day pics, and in the middle of my search, my comp. page flashed quickly back to my comcast main page with a huge pic. of the actor on it followed by the devastating headline. I literally jumped back from my comp. and said ouloud: "Is this real?" Jeff asked what I was talking about from the next room and when I told him what my screen was saying, said quickly "Where are my glasses?", as he came into the room. I guess, since my page had flashed so oddly, I was hoping it was some fake web-page advertising some porn site, etc., etc. I just didn't want to believe it was true. Then, because the article had been written only 10 minutes before, I prayed it was just a mis-take or a bad tasteless joke on Hollywood.

I've often heard about the darkness that overtakes an actor when they dig too deep down there in that place that perhaps is not meant for all to go for a role. For a celebrity, even the very definition of paranoia by signs and symptoms: believing someone is following you, watching you, not knowing who your real friends really are are, etc. is their *reality.* I believe becoming a character in that deep of a way can get you demonically possessed. Ledger complained several times about his joker role and the Gilliam film causing him "anxiety and insomnia." Rather accidental or intentional, I believe his death is most likely caused by him befriending his darkest demons a little bit too much for those incredible roles.

I know we all went to see the murdering of _I am Legend_ just for the Batman sequel preview and that we were all blown away by Ledger's modern day mainstream re-incarnation channeling of Brandon Lee's _Crow_ and something from _A Clockwork Orange._ It makes sense for him to portray the joker more like a gothic schizophrenic if the point is to make the once slap-stick comic seem serious and realistic in modern day. It's shameful and probably also possibly a blessing that he'll get to miss out on all the hype and new fame the new film will bring him this summer. Everyone will still run right out to see the Batman film when it opens, even more so now probably and hopefully they won't tone down his perfomance any. If he died to this earth for his work, at least let it live on in whatever form it was meant to take. Just be warned as a viewer of the spiritual dangers of watching his perfomance before you go and take care of whatever you need to before signing up for that spiritual of a connection, just as I do before I watch any of my beloved buddhist surrealism as a discerning Christian.

Speaking of buddhist surrealism: I can NOT wait until LOST premieres next week again!!!! I lose my breath working the multi-spiritual layers and levels of that show. I want to see _Cloverfield_ badly and hope it's as good as I hear it is. I also can NOT wait to see the American version of _the Eye_. I'm sooo incredibly excited that Tom Cruise was the one who bought the film franchise so that may actually mean there will be hope that the high level buddhist symbolism will not actually be washed out of the American re-make or the re-incarnation depictions will not be so obviosuly spelled out to us. Well, we did wonderfully well with our re-make of _Open Your Eyes_ when it became our _Vanilla Sky_, so hopefully Cruise's scientology convictions and spiritual obsessions will feed my Christian religiousity. I am going to see.


****edited to add: J just called and said he picked up the mail today quickly on his way to work and Christian's new birth certificate listing us as his parents is in there!!!! Yay, Yay, Yay, and Grrr...my husband for taking it off so far away from me and insisting on opening it up by himself first!!!! I won't be able to see it until tommorrow AM about 8! I'm not going to sleep. Tommorrow, I'm going to cry. Oh, boy, am I going to cry.****
Current Mood:
excited excited
Current Music:
Angels and Agony
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I guess it's time to update again: Let's see, David's adoption day is the 4th, a week and a day away and even after 20 months now, it just sometimes still feels too good to be true, like it just can't really happen. Like this motherhood thing isn't really "real" for me. I look often at our family pictures to remind myself what is real for us. A picture is worth a thousand words and I have thousands of pictures! We look so very happy in every single one.---memories I will never give up. I guess it's good I'm not a buddhist then, as they are the biggest advocates of letting go of memories in order to change lives. "L" Me, I'm holding onto my memories of this life with David for all of time.....

I've had people(that are supposed to be friends, but the word people will do nicely here) tell me *out loud* that I'm not David's "real mother." Believe me, all, I'm real. I exist and I'm as real of a mother as that child is ever going to have and I'll do more than "just do." Believe in me, as his mother, or not. I don't expect to be able to get everyone to believe that I am who I am if most of the world doesn't even believe God is who God is. If I can't get most of this world to believe my God is my God, then why would I believe the world is going to believe that my son is my son?

I guess "those people" must think it far beyond premature and downright insane even for us to call ourselves "mommy and daddy" until everyone in the world is in complete aggreeance that that is exactly who we are to David. Well, not everyone in the entire world is in complete agreeance that God exists, however even atheists in their many complaints certainly believe Christians (God's children) exist! How can the children exist, but not the parent (God)? We too exist as children and parents, regardless of what other people believe about who we really are and are not. It's not about who you become, as much as it's about who you are.

I guess, that's what the finalization of the adoption represents to us, an end to the worrying and wondering about what other people think about who our son is to us. To us, he's always been just who he is, our son, our much loved little boy, the one who transformed me into becoming the mother I am, the one I have been for so long now, and the one I always will be. That's what the adoption is for, proving to the world and to our worried hearts what it is that "always will be."---

-------too bad there isn't a court proceeding like an adoption to prove to the world who God is too.----Until then, we'll just have to make do with a court proceeding to prove who our son is.-----good enough.....we'll just have to know that day represents more, representing our child being given back to God, as any child of ours will be, after being raised by us to be our Christian child.

Sometimes, it feels as if things have been too easy and sometimes(most of the time really)it feels as if everything has been so very hard. I know if it's really worth it, it is always worth the fight, but sometimes I just grow so weary of having to fight so hard for everything in my life that is worth anything at all to me.... We welcome prayers for our biggest day yet. I'm anxious and excited. I'm trying to tell myself not to worry about anything because kinship adoptions usually run smoothly.

However, there was that one article I read about a paternal aunt seeking to adopt a sibling of a child she and her husband had already adopted: she had the blessings of both natural parents, yet the *same judge* that had granted the adoption of their initial child refused to grant the second adoption, not only was their adoption not granted, but the couple actually lost custody of the child they had custody of from the beginning!

Whatever happens in adoption court, since it's a higher court overides anything and everything that has been granted in juvenile court! The issue in the article I read was about the husband being overweight and the new adoption laws are picky about health issues now. I know that issue doesn't apply to us, but however, just knowing that I am taking a chance of losing custody of David by asking for his adoption is enough thought to worry me practically too death! However, if we just keep custody, then we are taking an even greater chance of losing our son one day, since custody can *always be challenged*, if David's birthparents ever get themselves together and get any of their natural children back. Then, some judge who believes that every child belongs with his biological parents no-matter what could give our son back to them. I know that it couldn't be in David's best interest ever to be taken away from us and given back to them after let's say 10 years, etc., etc. So, it's better to take the chance now than to wait for then. Besides, we want our son to know that we want him enough to fight anyone and everyone for him, no-matter what it takes. He'll always know how much he is loved (enough to be adopted by us) and how much he is wanted by everyone in his life.

The good news is if our adoption is granted, it will be final that day! David will be Christian David and he'll share our last name! I can't wait until I get to hold in my hands, his new birth certificate with our names on it, exclaiming proudly to the world that we are his parents. I'm sure I'll cry sweet-sweet, bitter-sweet tears because we've come so far and this is the most important thing I've ever done in my life; protecting my son and raising him in God's truth.

The past holidays have been great: halloween was nice. I'll post pumpkin patch pics. of Davey's Winnie the Pooh costume and our trick or treating pics. We had a blast really. We stopped by mom's first and we even allowed David's birthparents to see him in his costume, as if either one of them truly paid him a bit of attention. Yet, the compassion was ours to give and it was given. Since, we are under no legal obligations to let them see David at all, it seems weird for me to even want to mention to people the rare instances when we decide to include David's birthfamily in his life. It's like I feel if I mention them then it won't really seem like to other people that my son is really my son, like I'm renting him or something. I've never wanted to be "just an aunt."--not to my son... I don't know how to explain my feelings....."sigh"

Adoption is tough, especially when you see the birthparents. You see their eyes looking back at you sometimes, when you see your son's eyes looking up at you. That's tough. It's like you're constantly watching to see if your son chooses you as his mother over her. It's an un-fair test and David doesn't deserve to be tested. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm going through some sort of adoption related post partum depression....."sigh"

Thanksgiving went smoothly; we did decide to celebrate at my mother's house including both of David's natural parents in our celebration. It was Tammy(the birthmother's)first Thanksgiving celebrated in her entire life that wasn't given to her by the nashville rescue mission! I just couldn't see letting her eat her Thanksgiving meal at the mission again this year, like she did last year, so I pushed mom into inviting her to our meal, for David's sake. Everything went well there and then we were off to Jeff's grandmother's house for our big Thanksgiving day. David was so cute playing with other children his own age, trying to kiss and hug the other boys. The children were calling him. "the new boy."--too cute! Davey kept running up to everyone and laughing out loud. He was having so much fun, demanding every woman there to hold him and shying away from every male, like he did with the halloween monsters at the big tent store. "L" It was a nice, nice day....

We are a little worried about David, since he stopped speaking. He spoke early, saying,"mama", "dadda", "bye-bye", "bah-bah",and his favorite, "mine." Then it's been months and months without a sound, except the occasional, "Googoo-gawgawgaw." He's not taking to the baby sign language lessons and doesn't point even. He's very alert and smart in all other ways of communication and problem solving, ie., if he wants to watch Barney, he'll pick up the remote control and point it at the t.v. himself. He doesn't need to say, "Barney" because mommy understands what he wants. Don't get me started going on about the pagan songs Barney sings (literally songs to the sun, theme song, asking the child to call on him whenever he's in need, etc.), but he is my little one's fav. "friend" right now.....grrr.....so what can ya do???? "L" and "sigh"

Davey's still rocking constantly when sleepy(a rocking horse toy and a toddler rocking chair has kept from rocking on the ground as much). He can entertain himself for hours by himself in a corner, playing with one favorite toy. He's very obsessive-compulsive in the way that he simply doesn't tolerate change of any kind. He has to eat the very same foods every day,watch the very same Barney episodes every day, the very same toys have to be in his bed with him, with no new toys being added. He adores music of any kind and favors toys that spin or light-up or talk. We know all of the above are initial signs of high level autism, so worry sets in. He'll be evaluated when he turns 2. We've even become paranoid enough to buy him blocks. We've outlawed Wheel of Fortune from being played in our home. So far, no stacking and no weird spelling out of words in horror film possessed baby notion. That's all any fundamental Christian parent needs, with our illuminati/conspiracy/paranoid schizophrenic beliefs about demonic possession, right? a baby genuis/autistic child? nooooooo........not us.......that would be the worst curse......

People I know have already asked us if maybe our autism scare is because Davey's not bonding appropriately with us because he's adopted. Before anyone else says that to us, let me first tell you straight-out: That's not the thing to say to us right now or ever truly! We already say that to ourselves in our most troubling times of self doubt. We don't need you judging and doubting us too. Jeff's family at times looks for something to be wrong with David because both of his birthparents are mentally ill. If I have to hear one more thing about good gentics vs. bad genetics, I'll scream, loudly too. I believe in nurture over nature. I just do. And for you nature advocates, remember I do have a natural, biological connection with my son. All we have to say is this: We love our son. He's his perfect little personality filled self. However, we never required any level of perfection or expectation to be measured in him. We do not seek to find anything wrong with him. If there happens to be something different about him, we will not sit in denial and ignore early intervention opportunities to give him the best life with us as possible. However, no-one is going to fix, change, measure, or invent in our son what's not there to be fixed, changed, measured or invented.

Okay, wow, I feel a little better now, letting go of so much venting out into the universe. Whew....Let's see, we're very into _Eragon_ now, the books, the movie, which I didn't think was as bad as others apparently do. I actually like the books better than Harry Potter in many ways.

We're also collecting the 1960's Childcraft books for David. They are pretty/pretty books, beautiful illustrations, explaining the pagan/illuminati origins of all of our traditions,holidays, folktales, fairy tales, children's stories, etc.,etc.---the perfect gift for any child. I'm also obsessed with the new TMX Extra Special Elmo.---that thing is amazing, for long periods of time, he sings,break dances, laughs, hiccups, and there are some secret clues to come from the web-site to un-lock the toy completely!. We will have to add him to our collection of TMX toys ( last year's Elmo,this year's TMX Cookie-Monster and TMX Ernie for Davey's Christmas). We're also doing Davey's full toddler room now, Winnie the Pooh toddler table and chairs and toddler bed, wall paper borders and decals have been added to his blue walls to transform his Winnie the Pooh nursery to his Winnie the Pooh toddler room.

His room is my favorite place in the house. The place where I most sit and count my blessings about how blessed I am to hold a child in my arms that I share a biological connection with, whose eyes look like my mom's eyes. I see my grandmother's eyes in his. How many other possibly infertile women who are blessed enough to get to adopt can say what I can say? Maybe I have missed out on his birth, but nothing else have I missed? It's not the birth that's as importnant as the life and afterlife anyway. And, there is no way in this world or beyond that I'm going to miss out on Christian's life or his afterlife. That's what really counts and that's what we really have......."S"

Current Mood:
worried worried
Current Music:
"december" Pride and Fall
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This morning the song lyrics to the song I have on my myspace page really spoke to the mood I've been in all weekend, trying desperately to "choose" which world(which life) I want to live in: present reality( "my" "life") or the world of my heart, my dreams(after my present life's "death"), as depicted in the demon authored symbolism of this song:

Kill the Lights
by the Birthday Massacre

This story's missing a wishing well
No mirror to show and tell
No kiss that can break the spell
I'm falling asleep

Every prince is a fantasy
The witch is inside of me
The poison will wash away
The memory

We kill the lights
And put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all

And after midnight we're all the same
No glass shoe to bring us fame
Nobody to take the blame
We're falling apart

Every story's a waiting game
A flower for every name
Their colors are filling you
With falling rain

We kill the lights and put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all

Now you know it's so much better to pretend
There's something waiting for you here
Every letter that you wrote
Has found its way to me my dear
You can make believe that what you say
Is what I want to hear

I'll keep dancing through this beautiful, delusional career
Faking every tear
Looking like a compromise suicide
Keeping all my dreams alive

I guess it's time to quickly update again. Let's see: We've finally paid all of our pricey adoption fees(don't I have the best most supportive husband in the world and David the best daddy in the universe?) and are awaiting a date for fourth circuit adoption court either the first Tues. in Nov. or the first Tues. in Dec. It hasn't fully hit me just yet that our adoption could actually be 100% final as soon as next week!!!!----We've applied for a new birth certificate(listing us as parents--yay!) and a name change for David( to *Christian* David + *our* last name), which all will become final also on adoption day. We're still trying to get use to calling our itty-bitty *Christian*, the name I adore above all others."S"

We celebrated having the birthmother's parental rights for an entire year now on Oct. 18th. That became final on Oct. 28th last year, but I think our judge gave her until halloween last year to change her mind. My brother joins us in the adoption petition and we've had his(the biological father's)rights since Aug. 29th of this year. We'll be pronounced a legal family on adoption day and we'll get to take a picture together with the judge granting our adoption. I'm nervous and excited beyond words. We've had a safety placement, then emergency temporary custody, then temporary custody, then permanent custody(both legal and physical)and a guardianship. We've been custodians and guardians. We've had parental rights signed to us. We became pre and prospective adoptive parents. Now, we're more than ready to be *the parents*, the mother and the father that we've been since day one to Davey. We can't wait to make it 100% legal, un-challengable and forever binding.

My brother has been in and out of jail several times this year. Davey's birthmother has been in jail too for a DUI(and set to go back to jail for the same) and has married and left *her husband* of one week(a 45 year old man, she's 22) for my brother. Of course, on Oct. 18th once again(she always signs over her parental rights on *that* day *and* finds out she's pregnant again on the same day x3 years now--no joke, really she does, we have Davey's ultrasound dated that day and Sean(her first child's)surrender paperwork and like I said above here, she surrendered Davey to us also on Oct. 18th), she had a new ultrasound for her current pregnancy(her third child with my brother, I have Davey, mom has Derrick and mom already has plans to take the new baby.). We're staying completely out of the mess that's my brother and his girlfriend and my mother. We have Davey. He's my miracle. Beyond that, is their insanity. We seek to protect our son from just that.

What else: Let's see, I'm listening to Britney Spear's new CD. It's not as good as the reviews, but it's somewhat likeable. I'm convinced she's beyond bipolar and that perhaps what illuminati conspiracy fans say about the members of the Mickey Mouse Club selling their souls to the devil for fame, is mostly true about her. I've recently reviewed a very well done essay/documentary about Luciferian satanism/illuminati/buddhist symbolism that's downright eerie. I mean even the name of Spears' tattoo parlor even has deep meaning!--Scary stuff, that documentary was for me. I can't even look at the Mickey Mouse head now without being blinded by nazi symbols. Really, and I never really knew how fancy some of Marilyn Manson's costumes are, nor did I ever realize how much something in him actually knows what it's doing. Anyway, I remember when Debbie Gibson told Britney Spears that she'd "go crazy one day, like she(Deb) did", "if she didn't slow down." I remember Spears laughed at her during the interview and said that "she wanted it all." I guess she's paying the price for that. The new CD is 90's gay club dancy and its lyrics mimic poor(obvious shock value) reality show scripts.

Speaking of the Mickey Mouse Club illuminati curse and one of its alumni, I watched a buddhist film(depicting the surreal experience of changing lives--re-incarnation 101) on HBO yesterday with Ryan Gosling, called _Stay_ that was shot so incredibly well--very photographic/artsy like-basically _Jacob's Ladder_, but shot better----our graphic technology is better for film now.----I actually had to ask myself seriously if I was having a LSD flashback myself, while watching this film.----it's like a rollercoaster ride through a strange surreal dream. I recommend the film highly.

We have Spiderman 3 for tonight finally and I can't wait to see Nip/Tuck's season premiere. That show moves me deeply. I hope the new setting in LA doesn't add fluff. Ryan Murphy can turn trashy into meaningful, perhaps, he can do the same with fluffy parody. We'll see.

We're off to scare Davey in the big halloween tent store at Rivergate. I can't believe how terrified our 18 month old is of all things halloween.

Tomorrow, Davey will be Winnie the Pooh and we're taking him trick-or treating. This year I haven't a single desire for the darkside of life. I'm finally returning to my innocence and the light. Christianity is actually colorful enough and satisfying and soothing enough to me. I'm all about God, Jesus, and family now. I can feel the difference joy and happiness make in my life. It's like I'm really seeing the truth in and out of the light now and the consequences in those lives who choose to be colored by the hopeless fear of prophecy and blind to the beauty of the free.
Current Mood:
happy happy
Current Music:
Britney Spears: Blackout
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posted on ng also:

I am so excited about getting the new book tonight! We didn't want to do the pre-sales thingy either because the MN party *experience* shouldn't be missed!---cute kiddies in costumes, refreshments and energy in the groves.---good conversation with good people, even on-line blogging/interaction allowed.---one must love our wireless world of today-fun, fun, fun for all even while standing in line.... David has been hearing all day about "getting mommy's bookie tonight." I know he's just 15 months old, but he does love to hear me read outloud to him. He loves to hear words (yes, indeed he's one right after his chatty mother's own heart). My itty-bitty giggles loudly everytime I call him my "little muggle." "L" We have had to wait to view the latest Potter film because the boy won't behave in the theatre yet, so tonight is a real treat for me....

I'd choose house ravenclaw too (cleverness=my cup of tea)

My question:

Will you read the last page of the book first??

Did you just have to read the spoilers?

I stayed away from the spoilers this time so far. Although, it's killing me. However, I *really* enjoyed being surprised with _LOST_'s finale, so I'm giving total blindness a shot here too.

Your predictions?


Snape is good, but good will be redefined. Harry will die, but death will be redefined. Or maybe Harry will sacrifice himself in the broken record Jesus blasphemy of every fairy tale. Rowling is Catholic, so maybe one of the girls will be the sacrifice instead of the boy this time (in Mary, mainstream goddess worship notion). Who knows? I have always gotten the strongest _Star Wars_ feel to all of the Potter books (because perhaps I began reading the 6th book first then I read the first 5), so perhaps Rowling will have given us the Potter tale written backwards too. Maybe we'll be introduced to generational or multiple personality splits (from different lifetimes in time) of our beloved trio. Hallows= sainted splits. Let's just hope that "He who shouldn't be named" isn't Harry's father, his Darth Vader. Then, Lucas (and his demonic talents) should sue. However, I think Rowling is shooting for more of a subconscience/conscience good/evil *self* split within the same life/time in the Potter books.

Why read the last page first?

(you know to see if all of the trio are still around, as I did (in _Star Wars_ nodding notion) with the last book to make certain my beloved wild haired, chatty heroine survives long enough to make me cry at another lubby-dubby love/hate back and forth encounter with Ron)

Hey, _Pulp Fiction_ proved in experimental form that the audience *does* keep watching even after we see that one of the main characters dies before we think we should see his end. So, who says we "backwards readers" don't have the right to spoil ourselves? Even if I do read the last page first this time too, I'll still convince myself that perhaps the "real" end begins at let's say the beginning of the last chapter and the big reveal truly is that the last few pages are only meant to be a tricky red herring to those "last page first readers", like the last pages are only a dream or something. That's how my mind works. I'm not the type to be satisfied with the easy ending. I don't accept that _Alice in Wonderland_ is meant to be taken as "it was just a dream." Alice should go back and find that place again. Perhaps, she wasn't meant to leave. It's like on LOST, what if they get rescued and they spend the rest of their lives trying to get back onto the island because being rescued was worse than being stranded? In _Final Destination_, surviving isn't the right answer, dying on target is. In _Jacob's Ladder_, to me he wasn't dead or dying all along, he *chose* to die because his post war life wasn't as good as his prewar life. The film is about his choice, his *suicide*, not his death. I choose to have that type of mind with _Harry Potter_ too. I choose not to be easily satisfied with just a concrete ending type of closure. I'm going to demand satisfaction instead. The book isn't going to be about death. It's going to about vanqueshing death. I bet.

Deidre (who now after several post edits and a very fast paced store line actually has *the book* in her greedy little hands---cute kiddies out tonight, one going to bed now, so mommy can read----first page first this time)
Current Mood:
ecstatic ecstatic
Current Music:
Edge of Dawn
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Please send prayers our way. It's like our lives right now are bad country music songs in the waiting. I could lose my husband and my son and my dog just died! Jeff is in the hosp. (St. Thomas) for a bad infection in his right hip that's went septic. He's on IV Dilaudid for severe pain and IV antibiotics for the bacteria in his bloodstream. He's having surgery (an I&D)tonight at 7:30 (the first of possibly several surgeries to repair the dead and damaged muscles and tendons in his hip.) The doctors think this is from a taekwondo injury and the bacteria set in from dead tissue due to trauma. His pain started about a week ago and at first they thought it was a hernia and then arthritis. He still is supposed to have hernia surgery this week too. However, his pain is from the infection, which has probably been in his body for a while to cause so much tissue damage. Of course, Jeff can't walk right now and it hurts him terribly to even move. He's been in severe pain all week, crying out like a child. He's temp. went up to 104.4! It's taken the doctors this long (and test after test) to figure out what has been wrong. If this super infection doesn't get better, he could die. Of course, we're only thinking positive thoughts right now.

Gizmo's arthritis gave way to a spontaneous fracture of his right leg on the 17th and we had to put him down. He was too old to recover since he's arthritis had become so severe. Teacup chihuahuas have very small legs that are prone to arthritis because of their frail size. Most teacups are put down in old age because of arthritic limbs causing spontaneous fractures. We've known for some time that he didn't have long and that this would probably happen, per what our vet told us after viewing his yearly x-rays. We kept Gizzy medicated for pain and carried him around mostly, since he couldn't really walk. We said that we'd never allow him to live in un-controllable pain when he's quality of life was down. We had Gizmo for a little over 12 years!!! RIP little gizzy. We will forever miss you! It's the end of an era for us. Snoopy is traumatized and going through separation anxiety now with Gizmo being gone and Jeff being away too. Snoopy has never been without Gizmo. Snoop is becoming a little too attached to the tortie cat that I'm fostering now, Maddie. The poor kitty is becoming pretty annoyed by his latched on behavior. Snoopy is trying to make the kitty a substitute for his puppy pal! She's a really nice little schizophrenic feline. I think I may keep her (if the cat fostering program lets me). I'm pretty much falling for this one.

My new nephew, Derrick, now a month old is going to be coming here 5 days a week while mom is at work. Mom is going to fight both of David's birthparents, my brother Van and Tammy, for custody, since DCS seized Derrick from Tammy at one week old and placed him with her. At David's one year birthday party here, his birthmother announced that she would be taking Jeff and me back to court for David, contesting our adoption. She claims that her casemanagers are helping her. However, since she's refusing to get treatment for her bipolar disorder and she's had now a third child taken by the state I don't think her threats have any real merit. Of course, we are limiting her time around David, as we always have, so she can't establish a bond with him and use that against us in court. My brother claims that he will sign our adoption papers and won't take us to court on his end. Tammy doesn't have any rights. However, since my brother and her are back together again and they are fighting my mom for their other birthchild, I don't really trust either one of them not to try to use their free attorneys to try to get David back too, so the brothers can be together. Now that Jeff will be out of work for a couple of weeks at least and we're going to have medical bills for the portions our insurance doesn't cover, our adoption will have to be postponed again (we're still paying off the $20,000 we've already invested in our adoption attempts). Tammy banned us from coming to the hosp. for Derrick's birth and for a while we weren't allowed at mom's house while Tammy was there. It felt like I was being thrown out of my own family. Both Tammy and mom were so afraid that DCS would give us Derrick, since we have his full sibling, even though we never asked for the new baby. After this year of custody battling hell and fighting my family for our son, we've decided that we will never adopt another child. Adoption and the stigma society places on it is just too hard. I cried a lot about my family's betrayal. Now that mom needs to use me for babysitting, I'm invited back into my family. I guess it feels better to have a mother and a brother, even ones that don't really love me, than to not have a family at all. I also want David to have a relationship with both of his birthparents. We are still trying to work everything out for our son's sake.

On a more positive faith filled note, David's first birthday, Easter, and my second mother's day went brilliantly. I will post pics. from all of those special days soon. Really, I will. Also, the opera and the LM concert were both out of this world breathtaking, both just the escape from my world of stress that was needed. And, _LOST_ is getting so incredibly good. I adore Buddhist multi-layered symbolism. It looks like the big reveal about the show is that it's about the fight between the fallen angels and the humans. Good-good writing. Speaking of Buddhist illuminati inspired surrealism, I must rent the film, _the Fountain_ soon. If it lives up to its reviews, I'll be very entertained! In other film news, I was very impressed with the film version of _the Painted Veil_.---one of the better book to film translations I've encountered. It's a very beautiful film about the powerful struggle of a feminist woman to become a faithful wife. Great acting performances and strong adult double-edged symbolic parody dialogue to shake your head at. You will smile in admiration of the character's personalities. Now just to make it out to see the new Spiderman and the new Shrek and to anxiously await the new Harry Potter book. Good times are waiting!

Thanks in advance for your prayers in our time of great stress. We know that our God will get us through. Jesus Christ always carries us. Always.

Current Mood:
crushed crushed
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